


moving earth

by oreoni



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Coming of Age, Mood Swings, Multi, Ominously Hetero, chapters 2 and 3 don't actually exist??? i don't know what you're talking about i never wrote those, expect sporadic updates!! fun fun, fake seoul music hakwons, i can't believe kpoop isn't a tag yet, kpoop - Freeform, ridiculously blatant disregard for standard english grammar, self-discovery bullshit, stress writing, taeil is a bird and i was absolutely not influenced by the weekly idol episode, that's what's wrong with this fandom, this is mostly a self indulgent thing?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-09-21 01:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9524801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oreoni/pseuds/oreoni
Summary: 우리가 모두 떠난 뒤내 영혼이 당신 옆을 스치면설마라도 봄 나뭇가지 흔드는바람이라고 생각지는 마.착한 당신, 피곤해져도 잊지 마,아득하게 멀리서 오는 바람의 말을.-바람의 말 /마종기after all of us leave,if my spirit passes by you,don’t think even for a moment it isthe wind that sways the spring boughs.my beloved, don’t forget even if you become tiredthe word of the wind that comes from faraway.-The Word of the Wind by Mah Jonggi (1939-)





	1. departure

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know if you read the tags but i would just like to say that this is mostly all just self indulgent stuff and a little bit of a way for me to tell my own story and get all my thoughts out because i'm no good at poetry but i have a whole ugly backlog of stress written stuff  
> also disclaimer: i have not in fact immigrated to korea. that is when shit gets fanfiction
> 
> i also know that i tagged a bunch of this stuff kpop fandom related but all those tags are really incomplete and i guess we just have to see where this thing goes
> 
> ily all!! even if you hate it <3333
> 
> (for hazel, i love you very much and many things would not be without you)

ko minchae and dohyun find themselves in the united states in the year of 1999 to finish their doctorates along with their first child hyunsu, born just a month ago in jeju, south korea. the plan is to finish their education and return to korea just before hyunsu starts school so they can start their own careers while leaving hyunsu in the care of his teachers and his many doting relatives at home.

the plan, however, is _not_ for minchae to find herself pregnant for the second time nearly three years later, a week before hyunsu’s birthday, and become too heavy with the burden of child and unborn child to continue work. she gives birth to a healthy baby girl in the hospital of annapolis and relatives order tickets and fly in from around the world to meet ko suwon on the celebration of her 100th day. their return to jeju is postponed; dohyun’s parents volunteer to stay for a few months to help raise their first two precious grandchildren, exasperating minchae with the old fashioned way they dote on her son in preference over her infant daughter.

before they know it, hyunsu starts school. dohyun receives employment opportunities from medical centers around the country. ko heesu is born and suwon turns two, and then their center shifts from their careers to their children. the changing climate of the education system in korea frightens minchae when she reads about the increasing rate of suicide among middle and high school students in east asian nations, and she curls away from her mother to shield her children. she learns to love america, where the people are too friendly, the fruits are too uniform, and single homes are more desirable than apartments. many things are wrong to her in indiana and she misses korea like she misses the rain in the dry months of winter, but america has its own foreign beauty that she never quite fits into.

the children grow like wildflowers, fast and beautiful. hyunsu is gentle and ridiculous and clumsy in all senses of the word. minchae finds herself scolding him every other day for saying something stupid or playing too roughly with his younger sister and the way he can’t seem to lie to her echoes of his father. heesu adores him, following him around like the five years between them makes it so he cannot be wrong. without her siblings she grows reticent and will not speak to her parents for all the spoiling they do the precious youngest daughter. suwon can’t seem to fit herself into the dynamic her siblings have and minchae watches her carefully when she plays with toys and her own vivid imagination. hyunsu and heesu blossom in indiana, making friends and learning english quickly. they grow up as american children quickly forgetting the 4 years they spent learning korean with their parents before starting kindergarten. minchae holds her breath for suwon; when she speaks korean, it lilts with the jeju _satoori_.

they move to vermont and buy their first house in 2012 because dohyun reads about the growing immigrant korean family populations on the east coast and despite the shallow roots they’ve set down, the idea of community calls to minchae. she changes the names of their children on their birth certificates to better service them in the education system. alexander, isabella, and lena ko grow up in brattleboro in a single family home on one of the many gentle inclines of vermont with four bedrooms, a bathroom for each one, and various other spaces that remain largely unused but diligently cleaned.

isabella ko starts school a year earlier than her peers, but still towers awkwardly over her classmates by a couple of inches. she’s a robust, chubby girl who can’t seem to translate her thoughts and emotions into her actions in ways that the other children can comprehend. the very first friend she makes is in the first grade, a filipino girl who struggles with the shift from tagalog just like how she can’t help writing her name 코수원 on her papers. she cries without fail every morning her mother leaves her at school and cries every afternoon her mother separates her from alianna abad. she is also never a hardworking student but rides off of her ability to understand concepts faster than either of her siblings. she watches her parents struggle in an alien nation, an ocean away from their families and she never says a word to her siblings when her parents turn cold towards each other for periods of time.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ko suwon is in the fifth grade and very much does _not_ want to attend the korean school program that her family’s church provides after school on fridays. she’d much rather watch anime with her sister on youtube with the captions while her brother plays online games with his super exclusive and cool middle school friends. looking at the trees whizzing by the window of the car, she blows her bangs out of her face angrily. she can’t even speak korean.

she sits like a sour raisin stuck to the bottom of the container through the initiation ceremony, the attendance call, and the salute to the korean anthem. her teacher is young compared to the others in the program and looks around 30 or so years old. she introduces herself on the whiteboard as 오승연 선생님 from 서울, an immigrant to vermont when she was in the ninth grade with her parents. she is an ESOL teacher at the local elementary school, and teaches spanish at another one and korean in the church. she has the children introduce themselves in korean as well as with their english names and the reason why they’re attending the class. jung daseul and hae dabin are also samuel jung and emily ha. they’re there because they’d very much like to be able to speak with their cousins and grandparents, because they love korean food, because 무궁화 flowers are so pretty.

isabella ko _will not_ respond to ko suwon, and she is only there because her mother is also a volunteer teacher and is forcing her to attend. she sits there after her very brazen, very english self introduction glaring directly at the sunsaengnim, who moves right past her with the lesson like nothing happened. she feels insulted and even more put out than she was before; she vows to hate every second she’s inside the classroom.

ko suwon is in the ninth grade and she loves her sat level korean school class this year so! much!! they’ve all started a new semester after winter break, and seungyon sunsaengnim has assigned them their first long term project for the year. they are to choose a korean province and do research on the history, culture, art, geography, and politics of the area and present it in a pretty, organized fashion.

suwon sends her teacher a 24 slide powerpoint in three days with an attachment that says

죄송합니다. 이것은 대략적인 초안입니다. 더 짧은 버전을 보낼 겁니다.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
most nights she dreams of a city where the buildings pass through the clouds and the stars are just as numerous as the street lamps. there it is always day and it is always night and the outline of 수원화성 stays fixed at the corner of her vision.

sometimes she dreams of the island under the peninsula that her mother always speaks about so wistfully, where her brother was born, where her mother was born, where her family originated. she dreams about jejudo, the darling of south korea, and her home that she’s never seen or lived in for longer than a night and a day. someone else had chosen to do the presentation on the jeju province where her mind pulls most of the imagery from. hong jisan’s voice echoes when she walks through the volcanic rock walls of the jeju mud houses, speaking faintly about 돌, 바람, 여자. one night she was a _haenyo_ , rising early in the morning to dive for shellfish and sea urchins in nothing but a wetsuit, glorying in the flashes of colour from the schools of fish and the creatures that live in the pores of the lava rock. the water smooths cool fingers through her scalp and she breathes the bubbles of passing _galchi_.

suwon shivers when she wakes up after dreams where seoul, bucheon, gwangju, busan, jeju all swirl together into something that feels like home. walking in brattleboro, speaking english, her day time feels like slipping into another skin. it reminds her of the celtic stories she read of selkies, beautiful women from the sea and of the sea. she wishes she could stay where the pumice filters rain water and the plants grow strong and close to the ground.

alexander graduates high school and attends the university of north carolina, majoring in public health. isabella changes and forgets her dreams in favour of biology, psychology, trial advocacy, and advanced english literature. lena enters high school and it almost kills isabella to watch her sister struggle in a place where she could see years ago would crush her. her world narrows smaller and smaller until all she can see is an early graduation and admission into her dream colleges far, far away from their home on a hill in vermont.

isabella grows so angry about so many things; the public school education system, the ineffectiveness of environmental legislation, the ridiculously conservative viewpoints of her white male classmates, affirmative action, discrimination, rape. she becomes the angriest, although she cannot say why, when her maternal grandmother dies and something in her mother collapses into nothing. minchae was young when she had her children, and she is young to be ailing when two of them are still in high school, but all she can do for months is tell her husband while she is bedridden about the ocean and diving with her own mother when she was young.

suwon, listening to her mother ramble on a saturday morning when her father is at work and her sister is studying, falls asleep and dreams of seoul for the first time in years.

towards the end of her junior year in high school, suwon receives her letters from the colleges she applied to a year earlier than her peers, always a year earlier. one of them is navy blue and sealed with the insignia of a shield, and under that an eagle. she is accepted into the international student honour program at yonsei university, to major in enviro-bioengineering and as a secret from her relatives, to minor in music theory. hyunsu and dohyun laugh, heesu cries, and minchae comes to life again to tell her relatives about the pride of their household, the eldest daughter, the first granddaughter,  
who is finally bringing them home again after nearly 20 years of an unplanned residency.

the night before she leaves, isabella thinks about her garden and her dog, and her precious family. she may not be able to be present for her sister’s graduation, or her brother’s engagement, or her parent’s retirement. she may never live in a house or own property where she can grow vegetables and strange sweet flowers again. the dog is already 13 years old; she will probably never see him again. this hits her the hardest, and she takes him on a walk in the middle of the night and holds the senior creature to her chest and cries while watching the stars.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
she cries again in the morning, in her mother’s arms at the airport. she tugs on heesu’s hair and reminds her to not forget to call, and she punches hyunsu and tells him if he gets married before she can visit she will never forgive him. her father keeps telling her she is so young, but she is so full of the strength and the will to do something incredible.

“i’m going.” she holds her brother’s gaze because if she looks at her mother and sister she will cry, and if she looks at her father she will smile.

“i’ll call when we arrive.”


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bluh i don't like this one  
> but still ily <333

by the time suwon reaches korea and has settled herself comfortably in her new apartment, three weeks have passed since she’s had a proper conversation in english. three weeks pass and nobody calls her isa, or belle, or isabella, or asks her if she spells it with one l or two, or if she prefers using her middle name. to be fair though, not many people asked her that when she lived in vermont either. they would ask her name, and she would say isabella, and nobody would know that she rolled suwon around her mouth like a seed after speaking with her mother. wanting to change something, something small, start something different. 

 

february turns into march and there are english translations under every sign she reads on the street and in the city. it makes the fog and exhaust she breathes taste bitter when she remembers the streets of brattleboro, still enough in the winter that the wind brought the echoes of the rolling hills down with it. she loves this country, she loves her place. in seoul she pursues her dreams relentlessly, plowing forward all the more faster now that there is no ocean between her and her work, but she also lays helplessly on the wooden floors that she never chose searching for the words in a clumsy language to say she wishes two homes were one. so she works, she writes, and she finds herself in bookstores looking for vermont in between dust and paint. 

 

every morning she tries her hardest not to, and still her mother sends her a text message reminding her to turn the news on to check for anything important. she checks and sees that the stories rarely change and the people never do, whether she notices the news anchors or the politicians they have news about. the trees are still mostly bare around her apartment, which is situated on the top floor of the building. it’s comprised of four levels, each with increasingly higher quality apartments, and there is no way that suwon could afford her suite without the support of her relatives. but even with all the gifts they send her in congratulations to her acceptance into such a prestigious program it seems like there is a barrier between them that neither of them want to cross. she, no matter how much she might look like one of them, is a foreigner and has a side or an identity that they can’t understand. they, no matter how much she might love them, are not the family that she has grown up and changed with. her contact with them is limited to a good morning and a good night on kakaotalk from her grandmother in bucheon, and recipes from her aunts. 

 

somehow, in all her of her dreams and fantasies, it hadn’t occurred to her how lonely giving up her roots in the states would be. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**엄마님 <3:**

**수원아**

 

**K.O:**

**네??**

 

**엄마님 <3:**

**서울에 있는 선생님이랑 연락해서?**

**she said she would text you**

 

**K.O:**

**no? i haven’t heard from her since january. why?**

 

**엄마님 <3:**

**I told her that you were looking for work because you didn’t like being financially dependent on your grandmother and she said there was an opening at the music** **_hakwon_ ** **her family runs. You could tutor.**

 

**K.O:**

**i’m not complaining or anything but don’t i need like**

**a degree????**

**i’m only a student**

 

**엄마님 <3:**

**You’ve also been studying music for nine years? You’re eighteen. It’s ok.**

 

**K.O:**

**i’m seventeen.**

 

**엄마님 <3:**

**You live in Korea now. Get used to the calendar.**

 

**K.O:**

**i’m not even a legal adult in korea. i don’t even know**

 

**엄마님 <3:**

**What? I told you to ask for help if you needed it.**

 

**K.O:**

**no**

**i’m fine it’s nothing**

 

**엄마님 <3:**

**Speak to your teacher.**

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_ i don’t even know what i’m doing here.  _

_ \------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _

“it’s a little odd, but can you put your hand here for me?” suwon smiles at the little girl whose private lesson she’s substituting for. hyeri obeys and places her tiny hand against suwon’s abdomen while she takes a deep breath in and presses it out in a stream of air. hyeri giggles at the expansion and tension of her stomach.

 

“i know, it’s funny, right? that’s how you’re supposed to breathe when you’re a musician. we all have a muscle right here,” she touches just above hyeri’s hand, “called a diaphragm. when you breathe in, your stomach pushes out and the diaphragm tenses to help push the air out. then you don’t have to take as many breaths as often, and your tone quality improves.”

 

“i always thought your tummy went in when you breathed and your shoulders went up.” hyeri tells her seriously. suwon smiles and breathes for her again. 

 

“nope. and now that you know the right way, you can practice and beat all of your friends in breath-holding contests.” 

 

after she works hyeri through her technical exercises and her solo, suwon helps her with her tiny parka that’s too warm for the weather and walks her outside. hyeri’s mother is waiting and bows in greeting, smiling gratefully. 

 

“thank you so much for filling in for kwon sunsaengnim on such short notice. it’s been awhile since hyeri’s had a full lesson, because kwon-ssi has been sick on and off for the past couple of months.” suwon frowns at that. musical education should be consistent and structured, especially at such a developmental period in hyeri’s life. 

 

“i heard that kwon-ssi wasn’t feeling well, but i didn’t know that she’d been out for so long. and you’re planning on continuing lessons for hyeri?”

 

“ah,” hyeri’s mother laughs, embarrassed. “um, we were actually thinking about discontinuing them, as it really doesn’t help her if she doesn’t have a consistent teacher. she doesn’t practice as much either, it’s been hard to notice her improvement.”

 

but suwon knows hyeri is talented for her age, although she may not be skilled. it would be a shame to see such a promising path remain unexplored for hyeri simply because of one person’s sickness. “no, i can see that hyeri is a wonderful student and she picks up on things very quickly. i could have a conversation with the director of the academy, if you’d like? i’d hate to see such a talented girl go without developing her skills at least a little. and she also seems to enjoy it very much.”

 

she claps, delighted. “would you? i was reluctant about it because hyeri likes it so much, too. that’s wonderful! thank you.” 

 

so suwon finds herself saddled with a new student after an absent minded discussion with her old teacher’s sister and she ends up not having much time to think about vermont in between working at the lab and at the  _ hakwon. _ her apartment starts looking less and less empty too; hyeri’s mother is fond of sending flowers and home cooked side dishes with whoever drops hyeri off at the lessons, and suwon, perhaps a little unfortunately for her wallet, discovers a botanist’s shop behind her apartment building. the small window in her kitchen lines itself with herbs and hanging potted plants, with bunches of mint and perilla blossoms drying from the ceiling. she’s not sure what she’s going to do with the seeds, as there is no room for how tall perilla tend to grow, but for now the fragrance and flavours have her humming when she cooks and cleans. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_ You have received an email! _

**Director님:**

**Ko-ssi,**

**Thank you for the wonderful job you’ve been doing with Choi Hyeri in the past couple of weeks. You are a hard working, kind teacher who Hyeri adores and respects, and you’ve prevented the** **_hakwon_ ** **from losing a talented student. We would like to ask one more thing of you;**

**Kwon-ssi has officially resigned her place with us as one of our flute teachers, but also as our only vocal specialist. I am aware that you are a student and you are very busy with your environmental engineering major, but you would be doing the academy a sizable favour by taking on one more student.**

**Huang Renjun has been attending The Seoul International Academy for the Arts for nearly a year now, on a scholarship from SM Entertainment where he is currently a student and a trainee. We have a feeder program where most of our students end up having opportunities to work and train with SM, and we must provide a vocal specialist for Renjun. If you would be willing, please respond to this email and I will put you in contact with the trainee vocal teacher for you two to work out a schedule. The academy is also willing to negotiate proper compensation for your participation.**

 

**Thank you for your time and hard work,**

 

**오지윤**

**SEOUL INTERNATIONAL ACADEMY FOR THE ARTS**

 

_ Forwarded to  _ [ _ ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com _ ](mailto:ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com)

 

**오빠**

**can you tell me what the hell SM Entertainment is and why this lady thinks it’ll make me want to do extra work for not enough money**

 

_ You have received an email! _

[ _ ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com _ ](mailto:ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com)

 

**You are actually the dumbest immigrant alive do you even turn on the t.v. when 엄마 tells you to is the ceiling of your stupid expensive apartment made out of marble because are you living under a ROCK**

 

_ In reply to  _ [ _ ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com _ ](mailto:ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com)

 

**um**

**fuck you**

 

_ You have received an email! _

[ _ ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com _ ](mailto:ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com)

 

[ **https://www.google.com/url?sa=t &source=web&rct=j&url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S.M._Entertainment&ved=0ahUKEwjjvaD9qu_RAhXEIpoKHQXcDBsQFgh9MA0&usg=AFQjCNEg3Ef6Vyz2UXC8aL8oOzsAiRrV0Q&sig2=zj6GcjvPZZ34RdKJYWskMw** ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S.M._Entertainment)

 

**Don’t talk to me about this ever again**

 

_ In reply to  _ [ _ ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com _ ](mailto:ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com)

 

**i cannot bELIEVE**

**this is incredible???? INCREDIBLE NATION?,?THEY ARE SO,, PRETTY, AND FAMOUS**

 

_ You have received an email! _

[ _ ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com _ ](mailto:ko.axanderhsu@gmail.com)

 

**Take the fucking job or else you’ll be like every famous scientist ever and no one will ever know who you are until after you die**

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 엄마님<3: mom  
> 수원아: suwon-a  
> 네??: yeah??  
> 서울에 있는 선생님이랑 연락해서?: have you contacted your teacher in seoul?  
> 오지윤: oh jiyoon


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blurGH  
> this is bad  
> i understand why this is my least read post  
> still ily <333

suwon decides three things after she finishes researching the korean entertainment company system and NCT thoroughly:

  


huang renjun appears to be the  _ sweetest _ looking boy in the entirety of east asia,

she’s not entirely sure who jung jaehyun is but she’d like him to punch her in the fucking face (his  _ biceps,) _

and the NCT dream members are, frighteningly enough, all her peers? it’s very strange to think about. even if she’s young to be where she is, because she started school a year earlier than her class, imagining people her age and even younger exposed to that kind of social push and pull is crazy. they’re crazy,  _ she’s _ crazy for accepting the offer so readily even while she’s working in the lab at yonsei. she’s afraid that she’ll load herself with too much work and lose motivation while spreading herself too thin, but what’s crazier is she’s looking forward to it. the few weeks while she corresponds with the SM vocal director are full of late nights because she’s too breathless with hope to sleep, and early mornings where she’s so sleep deprived she begins questioning her situation and all her motivations ever. 

  


it all builds on top of each other until the day suwon’s been invited by the director to tour her future, brand new work place. her nerves send ugly thoughts through her head so fast that she can barely understand them before they turn her stomach; 

suddenly she remembers she’s only eighteen ( _ seventeen _ ) and she doesn’t think she can do this. 

_ you’re only here because kwon-sunsaengnim left them with no other choice _

  


_ you won’t be able to handle the work _

  


_ you’re not good enough at korean to teach anyone to sing yet, you’re not a vocal specialist, you’re an american. what are you doing here? _

  


and then someone is calling for her and all the  _ you’re nots  _ and  _ you won’ts  _ get swallowed up by  _ holy shit. _

  


\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the director’s name is ha chaeri, who is a half korean woman eight years older than suwon and roughly a foot taller. her intimidatingly angular face folds straight into a smile as soon as suwon walks into the room like she can’t help it and it is so charming that she feels her heart skip. 

  


“hello!” she sparkles at suwon, bowing and offering her hand to shake. “my name is ha chaeri, and i’m the new vocal director for this sector of SM Entertainment, but you can call me olivia. i’m pretty new here too,” and she says this last part in english, “and my korean isn’t perfect. we can help each other!” 

  


olivia is  _ so  _ pretty, suwon isn’t sure why she’s a vocal director instead of an artist if korean people's’ infatuations with bone structure and clear skin are anything to go by. she is heavily intimidated by the arch of her perfect eyebrows and laughs awkwardly. “um, yeah, i look forward to it. my name is suwon-um, isabella, but i prefer suwon.”

_ cringe _

olivia tilts her head, concerned. “are you okay? you seem really nervous. i promise you’ll be fine! things here aren’t so bad.”

  


_ it’s just i’m literally a minor and i’m only here because i really really love plants but i never wanted to be an engineer i never wanted to major in it and this makes me feel so close to my dream like i’m pressed so close to it i can’t see it but i’m breathing it and _

  


“YOU’RE REALLY PRETTY,” is what suwon ends up saying and she chokes on the inhale because  _ shit this is korea that was so bad. _

  


olivia blinks at her and for 10 incredibly stressful seconds there is silence. 

  


then she  _ laughs. _

  


“oh-oh my GOD,” she shrieks. “i am  _ so sorry,  _ i sounded like an  _ asshole.  _ ‘i’m the new vocal director for SM’, how pretentious can you  _ get.” _

  


suwon fights her own stupid grin as olivia calms herself down. nothing about the situation comes close to prompting that reaction what with suwon outing herself and both of their anxieties over their new workplace, but the stress has driven both of them mildly crazy and she is glad that the chill of their first interaction has at the very least been broken. 

  


olivia takes suwon on the full tour, showing her all the practice rooms and studios, break rooms, bathrooms, and the floor which leads to some of the dormitories. they get lost roughly 20 times and each time suwon turns crimson when olivia makes her ask someone for directions, claiming seniority. 

  


“stop,” she hisses at her. “if we take  _ one  _ more detour to find the practice studios i’m going to resign.” they break down into giggles. 

  


suwon goes home satisfied and optimistic about the coming months, all insecurities about the job forgotten in the solidarity she found in olivia. as she waits for the elevator in her complex, her phone buzzes with a text message.

**olivia:**

**don’t forget 2 stop by next on tuesday!**

  


**K.O:**

**?? i thought i started with renjun on thursday**

  


**olivia:**

**u do but i thought it would b a good idea to get u settled w all the equipment and i could show u what they’re working on rn**

  


**K.O:**

**that’s fine then i guess**

**but i’ve been meaning to ask bc it doesn’t really make sense to me?**

  


**olivia:**

**wat**

  


**K.O:**

**why am i only working with renjun? because if he and all the rest of the idols work with you i don’t see why only he’s working with me as well**

  


**olivia:**

**oh i guess that makes sense**

**i don’t rlly know?? but imo u probably will end up working with all the rest of them**

**they’re pretty careful w their trainees and idols in sm so renjun is probably like a trial run to see how u work and interact w all of them**

  


**K.O:**

**hm**

**that sounds**

**sneaky**

  


**olivia:**

**¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

  


**K.O:**

**interesting**

  


**olivia:**

**so serious!**

**i think u should relax bc the boys r all so nice and cute!! esp renjun he listens so well**

**altho i think he has some problems w new ppl**

  


**K.O:**

**wow we have something in common**

**i don’t think i’m that worried?? at least not more than i usually am about most things**

**at the very least i’ll be working with you**

**but it’s just that he’s literally my age**

**right?**

**is he older?**

**won’t it be awkward especially because i know for certain a majority of them are older than me**

  


**olivia:**

**aw ur a cutie 2 u’ll fit right in**

**but also (and i don’t really think i kno u well enough to say smth like this??? so lmk if smth is off) you told me that coming here was part of your dream because you love this country and now you have korea, you have your nerd science, and you have a chance at music that you thought you wouldn’t be able to have. things seem almost too good, right? you never know what’s going to happen but just stop thinking too much things will almost never turn out this right for you**

**things are not too bad**

  


suwon ruffles through the carnations the  _ halmeoni _ from the botanist’s shop gifted her and sighs. she’d felt better briefly after meeting olivia and familiarizing herself with the building itself, but now the thought of working so soon turns the top of her stomach. the thoughts return, about her age. she  _ is _ only eighteen (seventeen) and she’s in korea on a student visa. she came to korea to fulfill her dreams, and here she is in the heart of seoul so close to them. she still wishes she could be in jeju immersed in culture and the ocean (because she can still hear it calling when she sleeps) but for now, she has enough. 

  


her work with grafting and breeding plants in the lab is intensive and far more rewarding than she would have thought. the major itself was part of the trade off to attend yonsei; she chose one that pleased her family, and they would support her studies all the way from vermont to gyeonggi do. she is grateful for them, but this opportunity to make an uninfluenced choice about her future is scary and so exciting. music probably doesn’t mean nearly as much to her as it does to olivia or renjun and she’ll mess it up  _ so  _ badly. if she doesn’t, they’ll find someone more qualified than a seventeen (eighteen) year old with minimal teaching experience and one recommendation. this is too good for a trashy student straight out of high school living off of her family’s ridiculous funds (not for long, not too long). 

  


or

  


she could take olivia’s advice and tell herself to stop thinking for once. stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. if something goes wrong, then so be it, she will probably recover from whatever emotional disturbance it causes her. she will have made a friend where she was alone for a while, and she will still have her plants and the  _ hakwon _ . (and she will have seen  _ the  _ kim heechul while looking for the restrooms with olivia). 

  


_ things are not too bad _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> actually suwon everything is terrible and i will fuck things up for you extraordinarly bc i can't interact with people even if they're characters that i actually created and i'm interacting through you, another character i actually created
> 
> (urgh how CLUMSY is my dialogue)


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a little bit better but its very short im very sorry but at the same time i am not at all  
> i also get sidetracked very easily forgive me   
> ily all <333

_ “-hyunsu came up from carolina the other day and he’s helping me out with it. umma gave me her old tuscon because she never drives anywhere now, but it’s not so bad. she’s started having more friends over for dinner and such, so appa’s making friends too. hyunsu probably told you but he’s thinking about proposing the next time you’re in town.” _

 

suwon shifts the phone to her other shoulder and nods even though heesu can’t see her. “tell sara i said good luck. tell hyunsu not to do something stupid for it, sara likes small things.”

 

heesu stays quiet for a few seconds, rustling with something on her desk or wherever she’s calling from.  _ “i miss you,” _ she admits. 

_ “i wish you could be here to tell them yourself. things are so quiet now, because hyunsu is gone, and you are gone, and i have nobody to tell things to. but i’m really happy for you too. i never understood why you always felt so drawn to korea, and i don’t think i ever really will but i know you’re doing what you always wanted to in seoul. but i miss you.” _

 

heesu’s voice is soft and heavy, crackling gently over the distance of the ocean between asia and america. suwon feels the weight in heesu’s words sink into her, sit dull in her gut, and suddenly she’s swallowing around a tight throat and burning tears in her too-dry eyes. 

 

“i miss you too,” she says. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

the homesickness settles itself over suwon’s life again, reminding her of her loneliness and all her empty spaces. even fully unpacked the apartment looks uninhabited, nearly the same as it did in the photos she saw in vermont.

it winds around and around her everything, squeezing out her happiness until she eats-sleeps-breathes the hollowness and she loses motivation. she doesn’t contact anybody for a while either, ugly thoughts of  _ they’re probably all busy  _ and  _ what would you even talk about?  _ choking her when she reaches for her phone. so it surprises her when on tuesday the buzzer rings and she can see her cousin on the camera, waiting in the hall with plastic bags full of groceries and clothes. it’s only been four days since her last visit, so she’s three days early. she rings the buzzer again, for longer this time, and suwon heaves herself up off the couch to let her in. 

 

she bows at her cousin and moves aside so she can come in, but sukyong stays standing with her arms full of bags and her face creased in a frown. in korean, she says, “why haven’t you been contacting grandmother or any of us? has something happened?”

 

and suwon tries her hardest not to cry for what feels like the twentieth time that week, she can feel her face crumpling with the pressure of it, but she  _ can’t _ . this-this is not what she was expecting. she’s  _ lonely _ , yes, incredibly fucked up, she hasn’t showered since the morning she called heesu, and sukyong is only there because they happen to have family members in common who make enough food on the regular that they send it to their burnout niece. (she hasn’t even taken her  _ medication _ in three days).

 

so she breathes hard through her nose even though it sounds nasty because she’s a snotty crier and gestures. 

 

“come in?”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

isabella is sitting in her living room with a double-knit quilt wrapped around her and a mug of something hot and spicy that sukyong shoved into her hands when she ventures a question. 

 

“you, uh, you came early. is-is it because something happened?”

 

sukyong is cleaning the kitchen; she’d scoffed when she saw the three unwashed dishes in the sink that had been there since saturday and decided that the entire place needed to be cloroxed, or whatever she’s doing with the lemony fluorescent spray bottle. she turns slowly and regards suwon like a mother (like  _ her _ mother).

 

“we wanted to know why you did not contact grandmother for three days. it would be very bad if you died and nobody heard about it, and your parents said they did not hear from you also.” she speaks in english this time, and very slowly, like suwon might not understand her first language. 

 

it occurs to her suddenly that her family, while immersed in ridiculous clan politics, and excessively traditional, is trying to reach her. she doesn’t know their motives yet, but they’re  _ trying _ , ostensibly for  _ her _ , and that’s-what?

 

“what?” 

 

sukyong rolls her eyes. “ _ eonnie, _ i am literally your cousin. we are  _ literally _ your family, and we purchased this entire apartment for you and i visit four times a month just to make sure you’re like, bathing yourself or whatever, and then the limited communication we have with you when i’m not here suddenly cuts off. it took us three days to get a little worried, but we are  _ concerned. _ also, why are we only learning about your medications now? your brother had to tell us.” 

 

suwon sits up straighter under the yarn.

 

_ oh. _

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

she’s still sad after sukyong leaves her. the hollow-lonely-nothing swirls around, but it doesn’t choke her, and she gets used to the pangs whenever she checks her social media and sees her old friend’s and family’s activities. as long as she stays in korea, she will miss vermont. whenever she visits vermont, she will dream of korea. this is probably not going to change for her anytime soon. 

 

the homesickness stops being overwhelming, though. she has the energy to go around and manage all her plants again ( _ what even is this,  _ sukyong had said.  _ you have more plants in this apartment than you have silverware. i know the starving artist aesthetic appeals to a lot of people, but i’ve counted nine succulents and i’ve only been in your kitchen.)  _ she considers very briefly purchasing flowers, decides against it, and then finds herself in the old lady’s shop behind her building again paying for a heavily discounted potted bonsai lilac. the fragrance reminds her of brattleboro, although she can’t say why. 

 

**olivia:**

**r u ready 4 the time of ur lyfe !!!!!**

 

**K.O:**

**um yeah probably**

**all i need is my work bag right**

 

**olivia:**

**u r the least fun dongsaeng i have**

**_taeil_ ** **is more relaxed than u**

 

**K.O:**

**well i’ve never met** **_taeil_ **

**and** **_taeil_ ** **isn’t an immigrant from a country where everybody assumed he was an immigrant** **_and_ ** **he’s not under qualified for his job and he speaks korean fluently and can probably interact well in uncomfortable social situations**

 

**olivia:**

**he’s pretty tho**

 

**K.O:**

**aren’t you like**

**thirty**

 

**olivia:**

**26 !!**

**u r so rude!**

**where did u learn this behaviour u sound like donghyuck!**

 

**K.O:**

**bluh**

 

**olivia:**

**r u nervous?**

**u don’t need 2 b**

**i thought i already told u y u should relax**

 

**K.O:**

**no it’s not that it’s just**

**ugh**

 

**olivia:**

**????**

 

**K.O:**

**what if**

**they don’t like me?**

**most of them are older than me it would be so hard**

**and korean is hard too**

 

**olivia:**

**suwon**

**suuuuuuwon**

**listentome**

 

**K.O:**

**yes**

 

**olivia:**

**i can’t tell u for certain that they will love u immediately bc that is unreasonable and i have only known them for a little while but u can’t expect every new person u meet ever is going to b as cool and accepting as yours truly and if they don’t like u then at the very least they’ll be polite and professional! ur doing** **_them_ ** **the favor**

**but u r a qt and a lovely musician and a bunch of them aren’t fluent in korean either!! so shut**

 

**K.O:**

**ugh i know**

**thank you eonnie**

 

**olivia:**

**u can’t see it but i shed a tear 4 u my favorite dongsaeng**

they do end up meeting on tuesday, but almost no work gets done. she sits and complains to olivia in the recording studio for an hour and a half, and olivia plays her voice back to her but sped up 5 times. she adds bass to it for whenever staff look into the studio, because it makes suwon sound disturbingly like an incomplete track and the file gets saved as  _ cursedrecording2017. _

 

“olivia,” she whines. “what am i doing here. why is anyone here? why do we have to live in a society where society wouldn’t function properly without low skill hard labor jobs. why can’t we all go to college and pick garbage off the street?”

 

olivia hums, not really listening. “probably because a socialist society would inevitably become totalitarian or something similar because of human nature. do you want takeout or do you want to go out?”

 

“do you even know me anymore? takeout. i want indian.” olivia grins at her from over her enormous tablet (which,  _ why, _ it’s kind of pretentious and completely impractical, but that’s also probably what olivia’s gunning for) and orders thai. 

 

“you know,” olivia says, “i’m 26 years old, and you might call me weird for this, but i really think those boys are all kinds of ridiculous. it’s like they found all of the asian people with double eyelids and nice bone structure, and they also  _ happen _ to be musicians and dancers. also, youngho, he’s like a tree. as in, i’d like to climb him? have you ever wanted to pay someone to strangle you?” 

 

suwon rolls her eyes. “i  _ really do _ think you’re weird for that. but also,  _ yes. _ ” 

 

a tiny, tired looking staff member thunks the fairly unnecessary amount of food they ordered in the door of the studio. they have their hair cut aggressively short, and they grunt in thanks when suwon hands them the money. the smell of fake, msg-loaded thai fills the room and olivia groans. 

 

“i’m pretty sure, like 80%, that someone told us  _ not _ to eat near the recording equipment,” suwon drawls. she sits on the computer desk with her carton of noodles anyways, swinging her feet at olivia’s face. olivia bats her away and clicks through some tracks on the computer, opening up and playing the title tracks from various albums. possibly suwon was hired because of her english speaking ability, because this is fairly ridiculous. how do you jump from chaminade to exo when you’ve got to work with the tracks in two days?

  
the answer, of course, is you don’t. if she wants to catch up to olivia in terms of capability she’s got to haul ass, and once again she’s assaulted with thoughts about not being good enough, but this time she has olivia right next to her and she knows how to throw them off. 


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love each and every one of u js   
> also i love moon taeil

renjun isn’t  _ not _ a people person, per say, but it’s difficult to deny that he has no problems when he’s meeting new people. words just fail him, or he can’t think of anything to say, or he forgets how to say it in the right language, which is how he gets into situations like these where he relies on chenle and sicheng as social crutches.

 

renjun’s definitely not making eye contact with their new vocal director and he can sense she’s a little frustrated and concerned but she seems to be humoring him, speaking mostly to taeyong while kun whispers quick translations to chenle and sicheng. 

 

it’s a little ironic, too. out of the four of them, renjun is definitely the best at korean; better than ten, around the same level as yuta, probably worse than mark or youngho. in their tutoring sessions which dongyoung insists on in between practices and stages, renjun always answers the questions faster and more thoroughly than the rest of them. chenle teases him and tells him it’s because his grandparents were north koreans, which is only funny because it’s probably true, but it’s terrible and ironic now because he can’t even use any of that ability when it matters. 

 

olivia leaves, and chenle turns to look at him. 

 

“what do you think?” he asks. 

 

“hmm?” renjun says. “sorry, i wasn’t really listening.” chenle rolls his eyes. 

 

“of course not. but olivia was saying we’re meeting kwon-sunsaengnim’s replacement tomorrow, although i don’t think we’re going to do any actual work with her. do you think she’ll be able to pick up on where we left off? i remember kwon sunsaengnim was working taeil hyung through these weird exercises a few weeks ago…” and chenle continues on like chenle does, rambling and happy. 

 

“what do you think she’ll look like?” donghyuck interrupts. “taeyong said yuta saw her with olivia on tuesday, and that she’s our age, but he’s a fat fucking liar and yuta’s full of shit. taeil hyung said her name was suwon, though.”

 

yuta smacks him on the back of his head and plops down on the floor next to the chair he’s sprawled over. “you should call us hyung, too. also, taeil’s full of as much shit as i am. he told you oregano was a type of toothpaste last week.” donghyuck whines. 

 

“i hope she’s our age,” renjun tells sicheng and kun at the dorms later. “i like olivia a lot, but she’s kind of scary and i think she’s been scouted before.”

 

sicheng nods thoughtfully. “i think it’d be good for you guys if you could work with someone your age, especially you. you always have such a hard time speaking.” 

 

kun hums from where he’s laying on the bed, one hand on renjun’s thigh and the other in sicheng’s hair. “i think chenle’d like it too,” he says. “he always loves new people.”

 

and like the words summoned him, chenle throws the door open to the room and spins dramatically, flopping onto the bed and startling renjun. the position they were in before was comfortable, renjun on top of kun underneath sicheng with the blankets warmed through, and renjun would be inclined to complain if chenle didn’t look so tired. 

 

he whines, high and muffled into the space next to sicheng’s shoulder (right next to renjun’s neck, not that he cares). “i can’t find my earbuds, jun. also i have a lab writeup due in three days that i haven’t started and i think i lost my data? my lab partners aren’t texting me  _ back _ so i don’t know if one of them took it or if i’m just being a nervous asshole.”

 

“you’re always being an asshole,” renjun tells him. “and mark borrowed your earbuds three hours ago because they have some recording somewhere and his were broken. your data is probably in the staff van, too, because you took some of your homework out to do on sunday and then you fell asleep. so you probably deserve it.” kun snorts.

 

“that’s even worse! i’ll have to text the noonas and ask them and be needy and then i’ll play my music through my speakers and all my succulents will be disturbed and the single snail manager hyung let me keep will hate me forever. snails are sensitive to vibrations and stuff! yuta hyung said so.” chenle flails at him. sicheng looks at him gently and pats his hair soothingly. 

 

renjun sees all the comments and some fanfictions about them, and the fans’ assumptions that taeil likes to mom them isn’t wrong. it always bothers him, though, how sicheng is cute and quiet and what ten would probably obnoxiously call a bottom (but when does ten do anything unobnoxiously?) because he’s just soft. sicheng is illicit conversations when most of the lights are off, and the subsequent hours-long naps in the middle of the day. he’s also red envelopes and tiny, tiny paper lanterns in their dorm room that taeyong allows when he sees how renjun’s face changes from overwhelming homesickness to wonder on the new year. 

 

“lele,” sicheng says, “you are always needy, and yuta hyung doesn’t know shit about snails. he said it because you always play your music obnoxiously loud and they could hear it from the practice room, so you can borrow mine.”

 

when it’s kun, sicheng, renjun, chenle, when it’s just the four of them in a room, they always speak mandarin softly. renjun knows it’s because it’s easy to become loud when there’s more than two of them, or because the rest of the members don’t know much chinese, but it makes him uncomfortable. it makes him feel like the language is something illegal, vaguely against the rules, like how he feels when the noonas look at him everytime he calls one of them jie. he hates it a little. being chinese, being different isn’t  _ wrong _ , and he shouldn’t feel it as strongly as he does, but renjun has a habit of overthinking that he hasn’t been able to break since his parents signed his contract with him. he wonders if the rest of them feel the same, or if ten and yuta do, and that is the reason why he so rarely hears japanese or thai in the dorms. for mark and johnny, probably jaehyun, it’s different. english is such a huge part of the western influence in asia that renjun doubts they even notice it. 

 

he’s real bitter, probably, but he can’t expect anything to change if he doesn’t change himself. so he settles with this, hushed conversations on kun’s bed teasing each other and sharing secrets.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

of course the next day, renjun forgets all his soft feelings because none of the hyungs are there to tell donghyuck to shut up while he projects his anxieties to the rest of them. admittedly, he does do it in a strangely relaxed, distinctly not-haechan way, which is more frightening to anybody who’s known him to even a slight degree. one of his disgusting black practice socks rises to point meaninglessly at the ceiling lights.

 

“how strict do you think she’s going to be with the practice schedule? i hope she’s easier than kwon-ssi. she’s super young, too, do you think she’ll be really privileged and weird like taeil hyung was? i’m glad he got over it, because we’re all fucking weird, but she’s a girl. do you think this whole thing is just going to be awful and terrible because we won’t have a good relationship and then she’ll quit and we’ll have to disband because we won’t have anyone.”

 

it’s all nonsense, because they’re the highest grossing rookie group since exo debuted, but he says it all so tonelessly that it sends renjun down his own dark, spiraling thought path. what if she does quit? what if she stays but she hates them?

 

none of that matters anyways, because olivia’s just opened the door of the practice room and all of them are sitting straight up because  _ there’s someone with her _ . olivia introduces her. 

 

“this is ko suwon,” she beams. “she’s eighteen years old, a student at yonsei university, and she’ll be working with us for quite a while. i already familiarized her with a lot of the stuff you guys are working on, so you can work on getting to know each other!”

 

renjun catches jaemin heaving a monumental sigh of relief in his peripheral vision, and he feels a little like laughing. ko suwon is a short, baby-faced girl who looks less terrifying stone-faced as she is than olivia smiling as hard as she is. but then she opens her mouth and her voice is low and also terrifying. 

 

“um, hello. i, uh, i am ko suwon, like she said, and i’m looking forward to working with you guys. so don’t be too afraid or awkward. or at least don’t make fun of me for being afraid and awkward.” she fiddles and renjun can see olivia’s smile become strained, and her hand twitches like she wants to pinch at the bridge of her nose the way he’s seen her do after lessons with donghyuck or taeil. 

 

“it’s nice to meet you,” they chorus respectfully. she smiles at them, small but genuine. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

suwon settles her stuff in the corner of the practice room and plops down on one of the chairs while everyone watches silently. it gets unbearably awkward and she shifts uncomfortably, not making eye contact with anyone until olivia claps and everyone jumps. 

 

“so!” she yells. “let’s do some icebreakers!” suwon groans and olivia shoots her a glare. “and they will be  _ fun  _ and accomplished  _ enthusiastically,  _ because you guys are happy to meet each other and  _ will  _ be friends. tell everyone your age, your hometown, and some hobbies. i’ll go first,” she says after trying in vain to make eye contact with a victim. 

 

“i’m olivia, i’m 26, and i was born in california. i’ve lived in korea for five years now and my hobbies are knitting, making music, and cooking!” suwon shifts like she’s going to stand up and olivia pins her with a glare. 

 

“suwon-ssi,” she smiles wide, “why don’t you go next?”

 

suwon coughs. “um,” she starts eloquently, “i’m suwon. i, uh, i moved her a few months ago and i like working at the lab with my plants, reading, and music. um, i was born in brattleboro, vermont, and i grew up there.” 

 

the thin boy with wide eyes across the room perks up when she introduces herself. “i’m from canada!” he enthuses. “that’s so close to vermont and i’ve been a couple of times. it’s so pretty in the fall, like all the trees change and you can actually see the leaves because it doesn’t snow as much as canada.” 

 

something in suwon latches onto this lifeline he throws her and suddenly she’s never been more enthusiastic about canada before. 

 

“i’m mark,” he tells her proudly after a long discussion where everyone else seems to relax and drift around. “lee minhyung, but you know.” 

 

there are so many names it’s hard for her to keep track of them, even with the research she did, but their faces remain striking in her memory. she’d met chenle, with his smiley eyes and curled lips that were vaguely feline. there’s renjun, who looks just as nervous as she’s feeling, but he’s also oddly complacent and humors the other boys well. donghyuck and chenle like to sprawl on him and he lets them, although the crinkle of his nose suggests he’d rather have their post-practice bodies somewhere else. 

 

minhyung especially seems to be fascinated with suwon the way she was with olivia in their first few interactions, although part of it might also be the fact that he lives in a sweaty dorm full of men and he doesn’t have much contact with anybody else his age. 

 

“so, like, you’re seventeen? and that’s eighteen in korean years? and your birthday is march. will you have to call me oppa? oh my god, will you call me oppa?” he gets excited and suwon-

  1. ergh.



 

“i think there has to be an actual age difference,” she begins slowly. “correct me if i’m wrong, but we were born in the same year, right? 1999?” 

 

minhyung considers this, and then droops. (like a puppy, she marvels. they’re all dogs.)

 

“taeil hyung is bringing us indian,” donghyuck announces. “he also wants us to know that if we hide the green beans underneath the curry again he’ll start making us take dietary supplements like he makes dongyoung and sicheng hyung do.” suwon’s not entirely certain what that entails, but they all make faces so she assumes it’s not good. probably. 

 

in about an hour or so, someone knocks at the window and suwon swings down from her stool to let them in. she’s greeted fairly aggressively with a red haired man who squints down at her, scrutinizing her. his sharp facial bone structure and high nose makes her feel like she’s back in the airport, making eye contact with her relatives for the first time. it also calls to mind images of high circling vultures, which is terrifying, but she shakes it off and smiles hesitantly at him. which he doesn’t return, of course, and she wilts a little inside.

 

“um, hello,” she waves a little. his gaze sharpens at her stutter and she is reminded of her maternal grandmother. “my name is ko suwon, i’m your new vocal instructor. it’s nice to meet you.” 

 

he nods, and  _ finally, _ there’s a thin smile. 

 

suwon’s about to turn and give olivia her  _ abort mission  _ face, because this man who she’s assuming is taeil scares her, but then chenle yells. 

“taeilie hyung! did you bring us chicken?”  they both look at him and taeil’s eyes change when he sees chenle and jisung spread on top of renjun. they go soft, and suwon can’t help but be struck by the way his face gentles. 

  
she knows the training process and how suffocating it can be, and how it changes children into adults. she can see how much taeil is a product of it, in the way he walks and looks at her. but as she watches him she thinks they must be doing  _ something  _ right if he can look at the boys that way. it makes her want something she doesn’t have the words to describe. surrounded by laughing people and her future, she is inexplicably lonely. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me too suwon


	6. 6

suwon’s favorite room in the main office building isn’t actually a recording booth or a practice studio, which jisung likes to point out to her everytime she asks to meet them in it. it’s really a waiting room which is connected to various unused offices, and more isolated than the actual soundproofed studios, with the added benefit of having couches and cushioned seats (which are not very good posture inclined, but she’s willing to make sacrifices). 

 

they don’t actually do anything when they meet in the comfy chair room. it’s just for suwon’s quiet meltdowns and when olivia yells at taeil/donghyuck under the guise of a team building exercise. similarly, today they’re playing Who Can Guess the Reason Why She’s Freaking Out Now while suwon tries to manage a room full of people older and larger than her (and more obtrusive than her). olivia left an hour or so ago, throwing in the towel after donghyuck’s third requested trip to the water cooler on the fourth floor, and leaving suwon defenseless. most of the older vocalists (thank god) are on a promotions trip to incheon, leaving suwon with a slightly more manageable group of six. chenle and jisung are sitting on renjun (what  _ is  _ it with them) while donghyuck, taeil, and youngho discuss things in faux-solemnity out of earshot. that is until suwon gives up texting olivia and asking her to come back.  

she looks up from her phone-shield (there’s a lot to be said about suwon’s dependency on crutches in uncomfortable social situations) to make eye contact with donghyuck and chenle and renjun and taeil and

 

everyone. they are all looking at her. 

 

“um,” her voice cracks.  _ no. _ “can i help you?”

 

youngho smiles at her (god bless youngho. what a blessing. he is too good.) and speaks. “i was telling donghyuck about how i got my piercings a long time ago in chicago because he was asking about good parlors, and then we were talking about tattoos.” 

 

chenle nods, wide eyed. “like, aren’t they illegal? don’t you need a license for them or something? youngho-hyung says you don’t in the u.s and he said we should ask you because he doesn’t have any.” 

 

“i have a few.” suwon tells them. chenle perks up. 

 

“like, both? piercings and tattoos?” she nods. “oh my god, that’s  _ so cool,  _ can you show us where?”

 

suwon flushes. “um, no. they’re not anywhere inappropriate or anything, i just don’t really want to show you.”

 

“why?” donghyuck asks. “did you get a dick somewhere? johnny hyung was saying that he has friends who got tattoos on their asses, and made other relatable bad decisions.” 

 

“maybe it’s relatable for you, you heathen,” renjun speaks from wherever he is underneath them. “you wouldn’t hesitate to get rain’s name tattooed on your ass.” 

 

“hey!” donghyuck squawks, rolling off of him and into a crouch. “he’s an important cultural symbol to me, and sometimes i just like to appreciate men with biceps thicker than my thighs!” renjun rolls right after him and bowls him into the side of the cushioned seat, and they squabble. taeil sighs.

 

suwon watches them, giggling. the interaction makes her a little happier, makes her think that one day she’ll be able to interact with them that easily too. 

 

“they’re not so bad,” she says. “mostly just simple small designs that i think of when i want to remember something. i’m too afraid of needles to get anything large or dramatic, although it might be cool to try it one day.”

 

“yo, needles are fucking disgusting,” donghyuck interjects. “like, i can’t handle going in for my flu shot regularly. they don’t even have the sugar free lollipops anymore.”

 

youngho coughs aggressively. “ _ seoulite, _ ” he mumbles. “you’re a pussy.” donghyuck sits up, indignant. 

 

“i’m  _ literally _ from jeju. it says it on my NCT profile. it is actually the furthest fucking place from seoul, i’m not a pussy, get your facts straight, city boy.” 

 

“you know, i feel like the ‘city boy’ insult is pretty ineffective,” chenle says, sitting up further. he and renjun and taeil are watching youngho and donghyuck like they’re looking to be entertained by an argument. “seeing as how i’ve been to chicago with johnny-hyung and it’s one of the scariest cities i’ve ever visited, and all of his friends are ghetto.” 

 

youngho does the bro clap peace-sign-gesture-to-his-crotch-movement. “country boy,” he says, jerking his head to the side and into donghyuck’s face. taeil sighs, disappointed with the interaction. 

 

“it doesn’t matter where you two are from,” he snorts. “i have a feeling that you’d have turned out idiots either way, no matter what changes fate might have forced into your lives in a desperate effort to fix it all.” suwon chokes, and laughs out loud. 

 

“inevitable stupidity,” she wheezes. “written in the stars, absolute destiny. truly, how would the universe revolve without its two fated morons?” renjun giggles, and the flash of his teeth catches her eye.  _ score, _ she thinks. it’s been so damn hard for her to get to know renjun any better, even though she’s supposed to be  _ his  _ vocal instructor. 

 

“besides, seoul people are way badass,” renjun says. “practically all of the hyungs are from seoul, aren’t they? and i’ve personally never met a more disorganized and intimidating group, just because we’re all so fucking dysfunctional. but maybe that’s also an SM thing,” he trails off thoughtfully. taeil scoffs. 

 

“are you kidding? crazy is  _ absolutely  _ an SM thing. all the other groups and companies are wholesome and love each other and blah blah, and we get heechul-hyung and baekhyun-hyung. seniority means shit, none of them know what they’re doing at any given moment.”

 

“i don’t think you guys are that bad,” suwon says. “you’re all just a little messed up, and also teenagers, both of which i think are forgivable. also jeju people are cooler.” 

 

“oh rad, are you from jeju?” donghyuck asks. “well,i mean, obviously you’re from vermont. but like, your family?”

 

“yeah,” suwon nods. “i’m originally from brattleboro, but my mother’s family are all from jeju. my dad’s family is from the gwangju area.” 

 

“no offense, but why are you here? most people would rather move to the states for an education. it’s kind of shit here.” 

 

“you know, i couldn’t tell you,” suwon says, thoughtfully. “i did consider that maybe things would be easier in vermont if i stayed there for school, but i’ve always really loved korea and wanted to visit. i like being part of the culture.” 

 

“i can’t imagine you’ve had a lot of time to experience that, though. seoul is a pretty urbanized area and you live alone, don’t you?” taeil asks, raising his eyebrows. it’s a good question, if a little presumptuous. suwon’s always been in love with the city, but jeju is history and stone and ocean and very much things seoul is not. 

 

“it’s sort of like a being here is enough thing,” she muses. “just being a part of it feels like being at home. does that make any sense?” 

 

“don’t you get homesick?” renjun asks. “that was really hard for me when i first moved to seoul, even though we’re pretty sure that my family was originally from korea. i always miss china and my family.” 

 

“...yeah,” suwon says. the conversation is a little too vulnerable to be comfortable for her, but she empathises with his feelings so much that it feels like she’s stepping out of the airport into the smoky streets of late night Incheon for the first time again. “honestly, i wanted to leave because i fell in love with a nation that i was never a part of, but i felt like i inherited. vermont never was that for me, but i grew up there, and that’s pretty hard to let go of. my parents and sister still live there.” 

 

taeil tilts his head. “tell us about your family. i feel like you’re full of mysteries, like the tattoos and piercings. how old is your sister?” 

 

“she’s fifteen, almost sixteen, and her name is lena. i have a brother too, alexander, but he goes to school in north carolina and he’s twenty. my parents both live in vermont still, and that’s pretty much all there is to it.” she shrugs. 

 

“is the korean name just a you thing?” he asks. 

she shakes her head. “no, i have an english name and they have korean names too. i just tend to associate them more with the english ones, because they’ve never really had much interest in korea. my sister is heesu, my brother is hyunsu, and i’m isabella. my parents are dohyun and minchae.” 

 

“that’s really cute,” taeil smiles. “heesu, hyunsu, and suwon. all your names sound similar.” 

 

“yeah, isn’t that a korean thing?” suwon asks. “something about the syllables you use for each generation? my cousin in seoul is sukyong, and her brother is chulsu. it is cute, but it’s kind of confusing.” 

 

taeil nods. it’s a smooth movement, contrasting with the angles in his face, and suwon finds herself losing focus watching it while he speaks. “....so it’s mostly a generational thing, yeah. like, i’m taeil, my sister is taemi, and if we were to have children they’d probably share a syllable in their name. but it’s also not an absolute rule that we do that, more of a tradition.” 

 

she blinks, slightly lost and very confused now that taeil seems to have become much more of a talkative person. when she doesn’t say anything, he continues without missing a beat and the rest of their practice time wastes like that. donghyuck and youngho bicker over lunch options while jisung and chenle watch renjun play a tower defense game, and taeil tells her about korea. while it’s not strong, she gets muddled with homesickness for a moment while he talks. he sounds a little like her mom, staring out of the window and telling stories about diving women and lava rock shores. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i rise from the ashes for a short half assed update
> 
> (working on some other stuff i'm very easily distracted)


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one kind of cuts off weird lol like every other one but bear with me   
> i'm probably not going to get any more time to write for the next few days so i thought why not just put this up  
> ly!! <3

**_Cut cucumbers in half lengthwise and then crosswise into ⅛-inch-thick half moons. Place in a medium bowl and mix thoroughly with salt. Let stand at room temperature for about 30 minutes._ **

**_Meanwhile, combine garlic, scallions, ginger, vinegar, chile powder, sugar and fish sauce in a medium nonreactive bowl (see Tip)._ **

**_Drain the cucumbers (discard the liquid). Stir the cucumbers into the vinegar mixture. Cover and refrigerate for 12 to 24 hours before serving._ **

**suwon hwaseong:**

**heyy can you help me**

**sukyongie:**

**?? Give me a second i’m taking the stairs**

**what’s up**

**suwon hwaseong:**

**i felt like i wanted to try making some kimchi today because i’ve never made korean food by myself before**

**sukyongie:**

**So why would you start with kimchi it’s so hard to do alone**

**suwon hwaseong:**

**i have had no experience i did not know!! but the point is i need help**

**i looked up a recipe for cucumber kimchi because i have no baechu as of right now but it says fish sauce**

**sukyongie:**

**And**

**suwon hwaseong:**

**is there like a certain type of fish sauce**

**maybe a brand**

**flavor???**

**sukyongie:**

**I don’t have time for this i have to walk my dog**

**suwon hwaseong:**

**no! i want this kimchi please help meeeeee**

**i can’t do this aloneeeee**

**at least send me pictures of your dog**

suwon buries her face in her hands and whines. the situation isn’t even that bad, and it’s not like she’s an awful cook; she’s been subsisting off mainly her own food while she’s been in korea, and she’s alive and shitting.

it’s just that the complete difference in standard ingredients for korean home cooking and what she’s used to causes such a culture shock that she feels incompetent and a little sad. kimchi had felt like such a basic staple to korean food that she should have been able to at least half-ass it, but here she is, wrist deep in sliced cucumbers, and completely helpless.

she’s also definitely overshot the amount of cucumbers she needed for one person.

\------------------------------------------------

“hey, olivia?”

_ “oh, suwon, what’s up? do you need anything?” _

“um, haha, yeah, kind of. do you know anything about making kimchi?” suwon bites her lip, fingers crossed. she doesn’t want to have to call her mom, because international calls are too expensive. she doesn’t want to call sukyong back for fear of having to talk to other relatives if sukyong gets annoyed, because she’s so far only on better terms with sukyong herself.

_ “you are out of luck my guy. i usually just go to the mart on saturdays because the auntie there will sell me all her leftover stuff for cheap, and then i also don’t really buy kimchi.” _

“so you wouldn’t know anything about what fish sauce is and or what kind is the best for cucumber pickling?” there’s a whine creeping into her voice and she could not care less.

_ “i definitely am not the authority on that, no. why didn’t you just look it up?” _

suwon sighs bodily. “.....to be 100% honest with you, i’m still not sure how to use the internet my phone. all of the directions were in korean, but like, super technical difficult korean, and so are all of the words. i’m afraid if i open safari or chrome i’ll get a billion dollar data usage bill or something.”

_ “word. i’m still not sure how to use any of the computers in the staff room. if you want though, i could give the boys your number. i feel like statistically at least one of them has to know how to cook.” _

she sighs again. it sounds like the sound of hitting rock bottom.

“yeah, why not? what’s their schedule today? also, just give me jisung’s number. or chenle. all the rest of them are kind of intimidating, and i haven’t really met half of them.”

_ “aw, why? minhyung’s such a sweetheart, even if he can be a little slow. and jisung and chenle are absolutely not going to know anything. jisungie’s like seven and chenle’s maybe nine. plus, you just haven’t met the older boys, and they’re much easier to get along with than they make it seem. you’re just basing your first impressions off donghyuck and taeil’s behavior. not that that’s hard to understand, but they’re not all that bad.” _

“it’s not  _ really _ that. i just don’t want to meet them and fuck up some etiquette or whatever i’m supposed to do when i talk to older people. just give me their numbers, liv. i’ll figure something out.”

_ “are you going to communicate through them like messengers? you know, i think it’s a game they play. like, ‘who can guess what crutch suwon’s going to use to get through this social interaction?” _

she flushes. “shut up. they don’t know me that well. text me their contact information.”

_ “are you sure you know how to save it? i could always get jisung or lele to ask the boys how to save a contact on your phone for you.” _

“olivia.”

_ “fine, fine. you’d be surprised how observant the boys are, though. it reminds me of a pack of wolves, circling and looking for weaknesses to exploit.” _

“wow, that really makes me want to get to know them better. i can’t wait to have conversation with strangers who give off the impression of analytically violent wild animals. we’d be the best of friends.  _ give me the damn numbers.” _

_ “damn, okay.” _

the call pauses and suwon pinches the bridge of her nose. all she really wants out of this endeavor is some cucumber kimchi, but she’s sorely tempted to call it a day and visit the mart for a store bought container.

**olivia:**

**for a twelve year old you’re scary**

**_moontaeil.cntct.info_ **

**K.O:**

**olivia.**

**i can fucking read basic korean**

**that doesn’t look like jisung OR CHENLE**

**olivia:**

**i know**

**i just thought you could use a little push ;)**

**K.O:**

**i just want to make some fucking cucumber kimchi and spend the rest of my goddamn weekend taking care of my plants and not fucking thinking about school or work or crazy fucking kpop starlets and you are making it so** **_difficult_ **

the call sputters and unpauses.  _ “make some friends! i’ve got to go, i have some mail that needs picking up at the post office.” _

once the dial tone sounds, suwon slumps. it’s time for her to face her worst fear.

she does manage to get the number saved on her phone within a reasonable amount of time, so there’s something going for her. waiting for taeil to actually pick up the phone is a different story; the calmer, reasonable part of her knows olivia’s right and it’s a good opportunity for her to get to know the people she’ll be working with for the forseeable future better. it also knows that taeil isn’t nearly as scary as she thought he was, seeing how he was a fount of interesting if not necessarily applicable information about korean society and names.

all of that of course goes out the window with the bigger, louder part of her that can’t stop thinking of olivia’s wolf metaphor and suwon’s own first impression of  _ fucking vultures _ .

_ “hello, this is moon taeil speaking.” _

“um, hi, taeil-ssi. it’s suwon.”

_ “oh geez, i thought you were one of the staff members. you can drop the -ssi, too. just call me oppa.” _

“ha, uh, i guess i am kind of a staff member.” he says nothing. suwon heats up to her ears and forges onwards. “an-anyways, are you busy right now?”

_ “not particularly. it’s me and like seven of the guys.” _

“alright, fantastic. would you happen to have any knowledge on kimchi making? specifically cucumber kimchi. do you know what fish sauce is?”

_ “......um, yes. we can help you with that. do you want me to put yoonoh or taeyong on the phone? they sort of do most of the cooking for us. or i could call donghyuck.” _

suddenly suwon’s faced with an interesting decision. does she choose to interact with two older guys she’s never met before, or does she willingly choose to speak one on one with donghyuck anymore than she’s obliged to do by her job?

(the decision isn’t actually too hard.)

“if it’s not too much trouble, could i talk to yoonoh then?”

_ “i thought you’d say that. give me a second, i’m going to try the video call feature.” _

_ moon taeil is requesting a video chat! _

“NOONA!” is the first thing suwon hears once the audio loads. it’s jisung, standing next to taeil in a tiled room which she assumes is their kitchen. “noona, it’s me!”

she laughs. “it’s you! hey, jisungie. what are you doing?”

“not much,” he beams. “we were mostly just watching anime with yuta-hyung before taeil-hyung picked up your call. what do you need?”

“it’s sort of a long story,” she says, scratching her head with her ungloved hand. “but it boils down to me not knowing how to make korean food and needing to know what fish sauce is best for cucumber kimchi.”

“no offense, suwon-ssi, but couldn’t you have looked it up?” taeil’s question is completely innocent, but suwon feels her face heating up again and she looks down darkly.

“i could have,” she mumbles. “but i can’t really…. read the korean, or understand it very well.”

“noona, just come over here,” jisung says brightly. “we can help you with the korean and change the settings on your phone, it’s fine. it is fine, right?” he asks taeil, who considers it briefly, and then shrugs.

“i don’t see why not. we were just watching anime.”

 

“alright, if it’s not too much trouble,” suwon says. she ends the call and taeil texts her their address.

sitting in the cab, she reconsiders a few things.

when she’d admitted to jisung and taeil that she couldn’t read the korean well, they hadn’t responded as negatively as she’d expected them to. maybe that says something about the company suwon keeps, or her own perspective, but it also means that maybe she doesn’t have to be so intimidated by getting to know the members. they’ve also trained and lived with foreigners for the past couple of years; it’d be kind of ridiculous of them to react negatively after all that. maybe the only people she has to really be intimidated by are donghyuck and taeil. 

 

\------------------------------------------

 

“where do you want to go to college, junnie?” chenle asks. they’re in renjun’s room this time, chenle lying on top of the mound of fresh laundry they’re supposed to be sorting through. renjun is very carefully not touching the clothes, because he doesn’t want to have to deal with taeyong when he inevitably finds out that chenle soiled his perfectly scented and crease-free clothing. “i always thought i’d end up going to school in china.”

 

“we all did,” renjun says. he’s monitoring one of the older infinite performances on his laptop, so the response is a little absentminded. “i mean, nobody knew we were all going to become singers, except for maybe taeyong-hyung. he’s been training for years. plus, we won’t have anytime to go to college. we have careers and responsibilities now, so we’ll probably just end up getting our degrees online.”

“yeah,” chenle breathes, “i guess you’re right.” suddenly his voice sounds so tired, and renjun closes the laptop to look at him. 

 

“le,” he frowns. “what do you mean?”

 

chenle shrugs. “i don’t really know what i mean,” he sighs. “i’m in a weird mood right now. like, i’m this big international star and i’m seventeen, or eighteen, whatever, and i still can’t even tell my parents what my schedule’s going to be like two weeks from now. i never completed my high school science courses and now i’m generating all this revenue for the company and my family and it’s all this one big clusterfuck, i don’t  _ know. _ ”

 

“lele, get to the point.” 

 

“i always thought i’d get to be a college student.” chenle rolls over but he doesn’t make eye contact with renjun. he stares helplessly up at the ceiling, fingers tapping and clicking against the zipper on his hoodie. “live that normal life, become independent, make friends and explore cities. my mom wanted me to be the first person in our family to attend medical school, and i thought i wanted that too, until the audition. it makes me feel like i’ve missed out on big chances, maybe to fill my family’s expectations and my own. is that weird? do you ever feel that way?” 

 

renjun does. his heart aches when he sees chenle lying there prone, because he feels it all the time and he never knows what to do with it. 

 

“there’s nothing we can do about the chances we may or may not have missed,” he starts. “maybe if we hadn’t come to korea, we’d have been able to do something else with our lives. maybe not. i’m glad we did, though. i’m glad we got this opportunity and this platform, and we met each other.”

 

“aw, jun, what a sap,” chenle teases. his voice is still resigned, still tired in that bone-deep way renjun knows all too well, but the conversation is over. chenle is closing off. 

 

just in time, too, because the hallway door slams open and dongyoung makes his entrance. “children!” he shrills. “we have a visitor!”

 

donghyuck comes stumbling out of his room. “mom?!” he shrieks. he’s pulling his pants up from around his ankles. 

 

“no,” dongyoung yells. “pull your damn pants up, what were you doing? suwon-ssi’s visiting jisungie.” 

 

minhyung comes out of the room behind donghyuck and tilts his head. “why? he’s not a vocal.” 

 

renjun rolls his eyes and steps into the hallway too. “they get along well,” he tells him. “it’s kind of weird, seeing jisung treat someone with that much respect and affection, so she’s probably coming over to hang or something.” 

 

minhyung purses his lips like that idea is foreign to him, which makes a little bit of sad sense. in between eating, sleeping, practicing, and composing, renjun really doesn’t see where he’d have anytime to figure out how to maintain casual friendships.

 

chenle emerges, finally. he squints in the brighter light of the hallway and heaves another sigh. “i’m too tired for guests. tell her the nct shop is closed and to come back next week.”

 

“idiot,” donghyuck says fondly. “she like, staffs the nct shop. plus, she’s not coming over to have fun or fuck around, taeil hyung said she needed to talk to yoonoh-hyung.” 

 

“nobody would care if the nct shop closed,” dongyoung says, eyeing all of them distastefully. “not with the way you’re dressed. go make yourselves presentable, she’s probably almost here, and i can see you didn’t go to that waxing session the coordi noonas scheduled, lee donghyuck, cover that up.” 

 

renjun turns back into the room when donghyuck bristles at dongyoung’s nagging. he pulls chenle behind him and closes the door just as he hears donghyuck start up. 

 

“you know, i don’t see  _ why _ it’s so important that we have to get rid of body hair. like, women are just finally starting to throw off the beauty standards that society’s imposed on them for hundreds of years, and here  _ we  _ are just  _ perpetuating _ them-” 

  
chenle giggles when renjun rolls his eyes, and he can’t help but smile at that. he knows it’s a bit of an off day for chenle, and that he’s in a weird mood, but his laugh never fails to be the same high-pitched and bright sound. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u all r so lovely

**Author's Note:**

> 코수원-ko suwon-isabella's korean name  
> 오승연 선생님-oh seungyon sunsaengnim-oh seungyon is the teacher's name, and sunsaengnim is the title of teacher  
> 서울-seoul-the capital of korea, and oh seungyon's hometown in this context  
> 무궁화-mugunghwa-rose of sharon  
> 죄송합니다. 이것은 대략적인 초안입니다. 더 짧은 버전을 보낼 겁니다.-jwesonghabnida. igosseun daeryakjeogin choanibnida. do jjalbeun bojoneul bonael geobnida-i am sorry. this is the rough draft. i will send you a shorter version.  
> 수원화성-suwon hwaseong-the ancient palace and wall around the old korean city suwon  
> 돌, 바람, 여자-dol, baram, yeoja-rock, wind, women. it is an old korean saying that jejudo is known for these three things  
> satoori-korean dialect/accent  
> haenyo-jejudo female divers  
> galchi-jejudo fish
> 
> i personally was not born nor raised on jejudo, and my mother's family actually originates and still largely resides in the jeollanam province, but i do love visiting my aunts when the water's warm. sorry for any inaccuracies!


End file.
